Chapter 4 - Chasing the past

For the first time ever in my life I found myself sat on a beach watching the waves crashing up on the sand.

I had only ever seen it before in pictures and on the tv and sitting here now with sand between my toes, the sound that the water was making I should have been enjoying the feeling - instead I hardly noticed I was totally tormented by the decision I had to make.

The concert had gone ok I suppose, and even though I was exhausted and needed sleep, I knew there was no way I was going to sleep, not with so much running through my mind.  It did not matter whatever I decided whether Suzie liked it or not I would have to go home and face Candy and the kids - oh god the kids - whatever am I going to say to all 6 of my kids??  Going home to Candy was the only way I was going to know for sure which way I should go with my life.

My mind was just going round in circles, I was not looking forward to what I had ahead of me.  I had been happy with my life before the Cory incident, that had tarnished things a little, because of Candy's past history with my two brothers, I could never really believe that it was not true.  If it was true then she could not be happy with me - maybe it might all be easier than I think, maybe by the time I get home Candy could have moved on to somebody else, I know that sounds nasty and it would kill me if that happened, but there was no getting away from the fact that I had gone and done it, betrayed my wife, fallen in love with somebody else - and life would never be able to carry on like it was before - I could not carry on like I had before.  The only thing I could do was get through the rest of this week somehow, then go home then I would have to make a decision that would affect all of us - Candy, Suzie and all 6 children.

Then I thought about Evan, Evan would be affected by this too - either way he would need to meet his mother.

" I am sorry Cory, yes I know it is the middle of the night, but I need to talk to you - it is important"

"I  have found Suzie"

There was silence for a moment, then the yelling started

"No I was not looking for her you idiot, it was an accident - she lives here in Twinbrook and are you sitting down - good because I have another daughter here - Kayla has a twin sister that she hid from us"

For one split second I nearly told Cory everything, then thought better of it afterall - if this thing with him and Candy was true I could not trust that he would not tell Candy.

"NO DON'T TELL LEX for god sake - I thought I could rely on you, we don't want any trouble  - this is not for me or Lex - it is for Evan, I need you to put Evan on a plane to Twinbrook"

"No don't tell him why just tell him he's joining me for the rest of the week in Twinbrook, a break away or something, Ill tell him about his mom and new sister when he gets here"

"Suzie pack it in - I don't want the girls to see us - not till I have sorted out home"

"And how do you expect me to act normally around you"

"Your going to have to and tomorrow Evan will be coming - so you will need to be on your best behaviour"

"Evan - how ..."

"Cory is putting him on a plane tomorrow morning - but I have to tell him whats going on when he gets here"

"Cory? he will tell Lex"

"No he won't tell Lex - he promised me."

"And you trust him?"

"Most of the time - yes!"

We spent time the four of us sitting round the table chatting about this that and the other.  It was surprising how quickly the time flew and how much we learnt about each other.  Even more surprising that Suzie behaved herself the girls did not have a clue what was going on with us.

The girls decided to go to the theatre to watch a movie then they were eating at the little bistro before they were going back to the theatre to watch my concert yet again - I really don't know why they were going every night to watch me do the same set over and over - but it kept them happy so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

As we had the house to ourselves for the afternoon - it was pretty obvious where we were going to end up.  I no longer cared that what I was doing was wrong.

But there was still a lot that Suzie did not know that I ought to fill her in on before Evan got here, I am surprised that Kayla had not let anything slip.

"There are some things I need to tell you about before Evan arrives"

"Like what?"

"Like what has happened since you left"

So I told her what had happened with Kayla and Evan, that my parents had brought them up as their own children and me and Lex had sat back and were their brothers not their Dads.

Then I told her about Candy and what had happened with me and Lex and how he put me in hospital again.  About Lex telling Kayla and Evan who their real Dads were in a nasty way.  How Lex had gone off the rails since Candy and even though it had worked out with me and Kayla how Evans world had fallen apart because of the way Lex was.

I was actually surprised at how quietly she listened and hardly interupted, I though she might have had something to say at least but she stayed silent.  I was expecting her to go mental at me but she didn't.

Instead she started to get upset with herself, blamed herself for leaving them for leaving me if she hadn't none of this would have happened.  I was pretty amazed at how she had taken it all.

Until all of a sudden she walked away from me and stood looking at the floor.

"I think I know why Lex hates you so much and I am not surprised he has gone off the rails, he must really be hurting!!!"

"Why?"

"Well how would you feel if that Candy of yours told you suddenly she loved someone else and not you"

"It would hurt me obviously"

"Well, twice it has happened to Lex and both times its been you"

"What are you on about Suzie"

"I told Lex I loved you, not him, I asked him for a divorce because I didn't want to be with him anymore because I wanted to be with you"

I just stood there not knowing what to say

"He told me I would never get a divorce, I was staying with him, and I would pay every day for what I had told him, if I once touched or spoke to you again he said he would kill us both - and he meant it!!"

Still I said nothing

"Now you tell me this Candy did exactly the same thing to him, it is no wander he tried to kill you."

"I love you Chase, I did then and I do now and every day in-between, there has been nobody else since and there never will be"

I still stood dumb struck

"You don't know how hard it has been for me looking at Charity everyday, she is so like you I could not get you out of my head for a minute - so many times I have wanted to pick up the phone and talk to you but I was too scared of what Lex would do to you if he ever found out!!"

How could she have loved me back then , we were only messing about weren't we??  I was a child still - how could she have loved me??

"You need to stay here with me now, if Lex was to find out .... you can not go home now Chase I am scared of what he will do to you"

"I have to go home, at the end of the week wether you like it or not I am going home, I am not scared of Lex and  I have a wife and four children at home remember and I am NOT just going to walk out on them like you did to Kayla and Evan - I cant and I won't!!!"

She stormed off crying and I let her go

I didn't speak to her again, I left and went back to the hotel and tried to catch up on some sleep before I had to go to the theatre to do tonight's concert.

I was pretty surprised when I saw the girls come in followed by Suzie.  The three of them sitting in their seats, chattering away.

Once the music took over I could forget about everything, that's why I loved music so much, it took reality away, I could even forget that Suzie was there watching me.

When I walked out of the theatre the three of them were there waiting for me to come out.  After signing a few autographs I walked over to them, not knowing what to say to Suzie, I swear the girls could feel the tension between us.

The girls wanted to go over to the park, so we followed them over not speaking to each other we sat on the water statue quite far apart in silence, watching the girls running around trying to catch butterflies.

"I am sorry - I am just scared you will go home and never come back"

"You know I can not promise you anything Suzie - and if you think this is easy for me it isn't I am torn in two and it hurts I don't know what the hell I am going to do because there is no easy way to solve this mess!!"

"I know"

"If it was just about the girls it would be simple, but it isn't any more is it just about the girls"

I looked around then and noticed I couldn't see Charity or Kayla

"Talking of the girls - where have they gone?"

"They have probably sloped off somewhere, they will be fine!

We never even realised that the girls were still in he park.

We never would have stood there making out like a pair of kids if we had known either of them were watching us.

"I am not being funny with you Suzie but I need to go back to the hotel alone tonight, I need to catch up on some sleep - you are wearing me out"

"I am sorry"

"And don't forget Evan is arriving in the morning so tomorrow is going to be a long day!!"

After I left Suzie I didn't go straight back to the hotel, I wandered down to the beach and found myself sitting on the bench again, watching the waves and trying to make sense of everything.

"What are  you doing here Dad??"

I was surprised when I looked up to see Kayla standing infront of me.

"Hiya Kayla, what are you doing here"

"Jogging on the beach, jogging helps me think"

"What are you thinking about?"

"Oh just something I saw earlier"

"Anything I can help you with?"

"Actually - yes you can Dad, you can asnwer a question for me"

"What about?"

"You and Mom"

"What about me and your Mom?"

"I saw you Dad - making out with her in the park  - what is all that about??"

"Oh - I am sorry, we thought you had gone"

"And that makes it ok does it?" she said quite sharply

"No - it doesn't - I am sorry Kayla - everything is such a mess!!"

"Please tell me that was a one off mistake - kissing Mom"

"I wish I could - but it isn't"

"How long have you two been carrying on?"

"Since the first day I found her here"

"DAAAAD!!!!"

"I know!!"

"You told me you did not love her"

"Well I was wrong"

"What about Candy I though you loved Candy"

"I do, I did, ohhhh I don't know - why do you think I am down here thinking - I cant think straight when I am round your mother - I have messed up big time - not that I should be telling you any of this!!"

"I have got kids here and kids there, I love your Mom, I love Candy,  I want to be here and I want to be there - I don't know how I have gotten myself into this mess and I don't know how I am going to get myself out of it without hurting a lot of people!!"

"I don't know what to say to you"

"Don't say anything - I don't need you telling me what an idiot I am because I already know!!"

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Chapter 5

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